I’m a gay man, and so is my boss (at least I think he is; we’ve never discussed this). He’s a great guy, and I like and respect him as a supervisor, but under any other circumstances I’d say he’s sexually harassing me. The thing is, I’m beginning to feel glimmers of physical attraction towards him! He’s very handsome and fit, with a lot of sex appeal. He flirts with me a lot too – and there’s some casual touching involved as well (playful shoves and headlocks, that sort of thing) but this is very common behavior where I work, even among the women. But it leaves me feeling very confused (and, frankly, massively aroused!). I realize none of this is appropriate behavior for the office, and I’m deeply opposed to sexual harassment. (My sister had a nervous breakdown over a particularly difficult situation over a year ago). Should I give in to my desires? Or try to stand up for my values? I’m just so torn and don’t know what to do. Help!! – Name withheld

Someone once told me there are five things in this life on which you might spend your time: Career, relationships/family, hobby or outside interest, health/exercise, and sleep.

The problem is, they went on to point out, you only get time enough for three.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I understand your willingness to be open to romance at work. If our time really is that limited, to “double up” in the way you seem to want makes sense. It might just allow you to eke a little bit more out of your limited time, and what life has to offer.

It’s also been said that sexual harassment isn’t really “harassment” unless the attention is unwanted. But that definition has never sat well with me – particularly for the workplace.

Part of the problem is it normalizes behaviors that should otherwise be actively discouraged. It also puts the onus of shutting things down on the object of the attention. Yet to even suggest it is somehow their responsibility to inform an overly affectionate coworker they don’t share their feelings is, well…ludicrous. The work environment is stressful enough already.

So, no – your manager’s behavior isn’t appropriate, as you seem to realize. I therefore advise you to reign in your emotions (and libido), and not take this any further. You’ve already engaged, if not encouraged him, so begin by putting some limits on how casually he feels he can behave around you – subtly though, lest he understandably take offense. Or, avoid altogether those situations in which he is most likely to overstep basic office decorum. I’m afraid that to do anything less is to reinforce, and therefore contribute to the kind of attitudes and behaviors that seem to have led to your sibling’s unfortunate breakdown.

I realize, however, this may not be what you want to hear. So let me try to make things easier for you.

A big red flag is the fact that this person is your manager. That means there’s a pre-existing organizational relationship you share which makes it difficult, if not outright impossible for either of you to explore your true feelings for each other. Not to play amateur psychologist here, but maybe it’s your “subservience” he finds so attractive – something that’s obviously a condition of your employment. Or perhaps it’s his propensity to “take charge” that contributes to your going weak in the knees. Again, this is ostensibly a quality tied to his organizational role, and therefore in some respects artificial. There’s a million different ways the existing power dynamic between you two could be fueling the whole thing.

Speculation aside, though, there is one way to get to the bottom of this: Ask him out.

Arrange to meet up (outside of work, obviously), and share your feelings. If he confesses to feeling the same, explain you’d prefer it if all future work interactions between the two of you were to remain strictly professional. Now to be clear, I DON’T recommend actually doing this (for reasons I’ll go into in a moment), but it would give you some answers.

Worst case scenario of course is he doesn’t share your feelings (or isn’t gay) but continues to “flirt” with you anyway. Sure, it’s disappointing, but at least you’ll know. Then, after a while, his attention will seem annoying, perhaps even needy, or strange (What’s he trying to prove, anyway?). Eventually you’ll recognize his behavior is undermining your professionalism and the respect you hope to receive from your colleagues. So you’ll be forced to confront him again, this time on far less congenial terms. And if he persists?

Well – then you really will be the victim of sexual harassment.

Ah – but what about that best case scenario?

You discover he shares your feelings, and furthermore respects your desire for restraint around the office. Maybe he’ll even blushingly confess it only makes you more attractive to him (aw!). Then together, you’ll decide to liberate yourselves from the emotional restrictions imposed on you by your work relationship in order to explore your feelings more fully (aw again!). Perhaps you’ll transfer to another department with a different manager (even though it means no longer being able to do the work you so enjoy). Or, maybe he’ll take a job with another company (even though it comes with a big pay cut). No matter, though. You’ll both realize either is a small price to pay for true love…

But we both know that’s not going to happen, don’t we?

Sorry to be such a downer, but this seems like a run-of-the-mill office crush to me. Again, my advice is to shut it down ASAP. It’s not professional, nor is it likely to lead to anything lasting.

How can I be so sure, you might ask? Honestly, it’s the headlocks.

That strikes me as a little weird.